Love Scorpio Style

So I was thinking about something else. In trying to fix my relationship (or lack thereof) status, I've thought a lot about my past relationships. Three in particular that really shaped my life in that area that all had one thing in common that I continue to ponder:

Being a true Scorpio to the core, it is very true that in all of my relationships, there is a VERY fine line between love and hate. And when there is love, it is a deep, commited, obsessive, maddening love that is almost too much to bear. All feelings that we Scorpios love to keep buried away suddenly burst forth to the surface, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Ok, a little over the top but hopefully you get the idea! I admit that I've never been able to control those feelings, and they TERRIFY me.

One the other side of that deep, mad love is hate. And of those serious relationships, not only did they end, but they all resulted in my love turning to hate. Not the kind of hate that would compel me to harm another person. But it was hatred to the extent that I wanted that person out of my life. Screw the good times, the special moments that we shared, all the beautiful experiences we created and enjoyed together. In my mind, none of that was ever real and every possible shred had to be discarded and expelled-including the person with whom I shared these moments. That is how I've handled every break-up: Love letters, pictures, gifts all went in the trash. I was never able to "just be friends". My whole attitude was "All or Nothing" and I've lived my whole life by that.

Why did I choose to handle my break-ups in that manner? As a Scorpio pain runs deep and I've always tried to protect myself from that pain...at all costs. That kind of pain is debilitating. So maybe this is my defense mechanism because the pain is too great to deal with. There is definitely the element of being hurt and wanting to hurt that person back. I was always good at convincing myself that I was hurting them back by being absent from their lives. In truth, I was hurting myself and putting considerable effort into it. A bit foolish and pathetic.

I'd like to think that I've learned from that. I can't say that I have, and I can't say that I won't behave the exact same way the next time. But I am left with a question. Almost everyone I know has enjoyed good friendships with their exes. They've managed to move from a more intimate relationship to healthy friendships. And I truly believe that that is true love: that is, loving another person so much that you're ready to let go and move on if and when that time comes. To keep the person and the good things you shared in your life, rather than to throw it all away. So why can't I?

That brings me to another question: whether or not I've EVER loved anyone to the extent that I was able to look beyond myself and what I wanted. If you really love someone, you'll have them in your life no matter what, and no matter the way in which they're in your life. I've always been more willing to completely discard another person (and eventually forget about them) because I could not have them the way I wanted them. So I'm left with the unsettling conclusion that I don't think I've ever known what it's like to truly love someone. Not the most uplifting way to end a blog....but this was a necessary self-review. The question that remains is: How do I chart a different course next time???

Being The Progressive Insurance Girl

So I was in Tucson this weekend, heavily liquored and a thought occurred to me as I was watching one of those Progressive Insurance Commercials. I know that the chick who plays her probably wanted to be a serious actress and I wonder if she's really angry and bitter that she's the Progressive Insurance Girl. On the one hand, in this economy she is probably thrilled just to have a job. Even in the best of times it's hard for actors to find work. So maybe she's happy and feels fortunate that she FINALLY has an income that affords her the freedom to pursue her craft and at least be able to provide for herself.

One the other hand, she probably wanted to play Lady Macbeth on Broadway and is filled with despair while she's in hair and make-up being transformed into the Progressive Insurance girl. Sure she's on TV and is on the radio now but she probably starved for her craft and feels like a sell-out now that she's making a living as the Progressive Insurance girl. And she probably really fills with rage when people recognize her on the street. Everywhere she goes, over-enthusiastic schmucks flip out when they see her. They expect her to be all bubbly and perky like the Progressive Insurance girl. But in reality all she wants is a cigarette and a cup of coffee while she wallows in self-loathing.

She probably REALLY hates Lindsay Lohan for being a no-talent twit who pissed away an opportunity that was handed to her on a silver platter while she (Progressive Insurance girl) work hard and perfected her craft and believed in herself only to be The Progressive Insurance girl.

I just wondered about that. As I said on the one hand, work is work and in these times it really is all about survival. But on the other hand, if I had to be The Progressive Insurance girl, I might want to kill myself or at the very least develop a serious drug habit.

Wagon Status:To be determined

So here I am back to blogging. I considered starting a blog before but I never got around to it. Truth be told, the only time I've ever consistetly blogged was back during the Myspace days. But I find myself at a bit of a crossroads in many ways: life, work, love (or lack thereof), future, destiny, you name it. I suppose maybe I'm having a little bit of a midlife crisis (at 37....is that too young?) But I find myself questioning a lot of things that I've clung too pretty steadfastly. And I'm starting to think that I've done a pretty good job of fooling myself about a lot of things that I want out of life. I'm a typical scorpio: very deep and secretive, jealous, full of mistrust, have that cool, icy exterior that tries to convey that I don't care to try to protect that vulnerable, tender heart of mine.

Anyway, while I don't plan my life according to what my horoscope says, I nonethess read them and a recurring theme I've been reading concerns a metamorphosis or change. And I wonder if that is indeed what's going on with me. Such changes often require a lot of destruction before a rebuilding can begin. So I've often felt lately like I'm being sucked faster and faster into a whirlpool. Maybe a lot of my frustration is coming from that instinct to resist. Maybe I need to just stop resisting and let this force take me wherever I'm supposed to go. Who knows? I can only hope that, like the city I live in, my Phoenix will rise from the ashes all the more majestic and powerful.

So that is how I open my first blog. It will be interesting to read through this a few months from now to see where this inner journey has taken me. If it's taken me no further than another drunken night at The Swizz them I'm REALLY in trouble.

Thank you Shirley, for encouraging me to start writing again. I know you love to read about places I've travelled to but I HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE!!!! FOR SEVEN MONTHS!!!! AND I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!!!! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER!!!! I NEED TO GO SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY!!!!

Ok, had my rant. Might go off and have a drink or two. I'm not officially off the wagon, but after three beers last night and a pretty indulgent night on Saturday,  I think it's safe to say that I'm not exactly on the wagon either. So let's just leave my wagon status as "To be determined..."