So I was thinking about something else. In trying to fix my relationship (or lack thereof) status, I've thought a lot about my past relationships. Three in particular that really shaped my life in that area that all had one thing in common that I continue to ponder:
Being a true Scorpio to the core, it is very true that in all of my relationships, there is a VERY fine line between love and hate. And when there is love, it is a deep, commited, obsessive, maddening love that is almost too much to bear. All feelings that we Scorpios love to keep buried away suddenly burst forth to the surface, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Ok, a little over the top but hopefully you get the idea! I admit that I've never been able to control those feelings, and they TERRIFY me.
One the other side of that deep, mad love is hate. And of those serious relationships, not only did they end, but they all resulted in my love turning to hate. Not the kind of hate that would compel me to harm another person. But it was hatred to the extent that I wanted that person out of my life. Screw the good times, the special moments that we shared, all the beautiful experiences we created and enjoyed together. In my mind, none of that was ever real and every possible shred had to be discarded and expelled-including the person with whom I shared these moments. That is how I've handled every break-up: Love letters, pictures, gifts all went in the trash. I was never able to "just be friends". My whole attitude was "All or Nothing" and I've lived my whole life by that.
Why did I choose to handle my break-ups in that manner? As a Scorpio pain runs deep and I've always tried to protect myself from that pain...at all costs. That kind of pain is debilitating. So maybe this is my defense mechanism because the pain is too great to deal with. There is definitely the element of being hurt and wanting to hurt that person back. I was always good at convincing myself that I was hurting them back by being absent from their lives. In truth, I was hurting myself and putting considerable effort into it. A bit foolish and pathetic.
I'd like to think that I've learned from that. I can't say that I have, and I can't say that I won't behave the exact same way the next time. But I am left with a question. Almost everyone I know has enjoyed good friendships with their exes. They've managed to move from a more intimate relationship to healthy friendships. And I truly believe that that is true love: that is, loving another person so much that you're ready to let go and move on if and when that time comes. To keep the person and the good things you shared in your life, rather than to throw it all away. So why can't I?
That brings me to another question: whether or not I've EVER loved anyone to the extent that I was able to look beyond myself and what I wanted. If you really love someone, you'll have them in your life no matter what, and no matter the way in which they're in your life. I've always been more willing to completely discard another person (and eventually forget about them) because I could not have them the way I wanted them. So I'm left with the unsettling conclusion that I don't think I've ever known what it's like to truly love someone. Not the most uplifting way to end a blog....but this was a necessary self-review. The question that remains is: How do I chart a different course next time???
No comments:
Post a Comment